Currently Do You Feel By The Rocket Summer So, In This Hour... see related

is this everything you've dreamed?

It's been on my mind for sometime, but I haven't really had the time to materialize it into words. Technically I don't have the time to write this even now, as there is work that I should be doing that I haven't been doing all day. But no matter. I make it work. So, anyway. Graduation. It's in less than two months, and I'm not sure what to make of it. I've really created something for myself over the years here as an undergraduate student, something so unlike the drudgery that was high school. I've assimilated into a community, in my own capacity. Made real friends. And although I haven't been the straight-A star that I was back then (and even back then, not quite so extreme as that, or else I would have made it into an Ivy League school), I've made it (so far) in a rigorous, challenging program with people that are just as hard-working and motivated, if not more. Now, to see it coming to a close? While on one hand I am ready to become a working young professional out in the real world, I'm ambivalent about leaving myself as a student behind. Running to and from classes, sharing war stories with fellow classmates about classes, grabbing Starbucks because I know I'll need to have a modicum of energy for later in the day... though none of that includes actual schoolwork. Especially now, I procrastinate on work and consequently do not do as well as I could have. My study habits have haunted me these past years, instead of helping. But if I could go back and re-do it? And be my former self, forsaking social activity for studious isolation? I don't know. And I won't bother to wonder (partially because I'm tired, but whatever).

But. But. I've been listening to The Rocket Summer lately, finally starting to listen to this album, Do You Feel. And his other music too, of course. And the themes reverberate within my head... has it been worth it? Am I following my passions? Living my life as I should, fully and completely? I have to say, when facing the difficulty and intensity of my workloads, I've lapsed into "going through the motions" just to get everything done for long periods at a time. That is evident when the frequency of my entries here decreases immensely. Because I don't stop and think. Yoga helps with it, but even that too is boiled down to just physical exercise at times. I haven't succeeded much in the way of separating work from leisure, I realize that now. That ought to be my goal for the rest of this semester. If I can make that work, then everything academically will fall into place. I suppose I fear the separation because it will in turn cause that isolation again, which will possibly be more permanent this time. I didn't really care about it back in high school, because I knew college was after and there would be more opportunity there. Opportunity for what, I can't quite explain. But what awaits me after this graduation? Another sort of drudgery of relentless work 40+ hours a week? Selling my soul to the corporate world? But I digress. Would I have been happier in a different major? Am I following the right path? Am I even allowed to ponder this as I am finishing up my degree? It was more reasonable to question back when I was a mere sophomore, but this is my last semester and we are more than halfway through. I know I am an indecisive person, and even now I'm not exactly sure what my "passion" is in life. What motivates me? What drives me? I should know myself at least that well at this point, right? Or I wish I did. I wish I had the gravitas of someone in say, their late twenties. Thirties. Not being a silly, young 21-year-old who doesn't know what she wants in life. 

And another topic along that line of thinking. A significant other. I have not one at the moment. And for the most part, I am okay with that. I learned from my last relationship that I need to be grounded within myself before I can share it with another person. Not selfish, flighty, insensitive... but able to conduct a mature, stable, and solid connection with one other. And then I thought to myself, I may not be ready for a serious relationship, but perhaps some fun wouldn't hurt; though now I'm finding that train of thought more tasteless as time goes on. Perhaps I do know what I want in this regard: someone who gets me. Independently-minded, like me... not clingy. Someone with an easy sense of humor, but also knows when to be serious. Someone with whom I can have both fun and intellectual conversations. And someone who challenges me in some way... and hopefully I would be able to do the same. The problem is, guys my age tend to be either too immature or unavailable, and older ones are generally the latter. And even then, I wonder if I would be able to connect on an equal level with someone who was older than me. Would I myself be too immature? I cannot say for sure, of course. So then, am I stuck waiting for guys my age to grow up? I am not without flaws, either -- being flighty does not bode well for serious commitment. It's funny to think that girls are considered more likely to be clingy in a relationship, but I am quite the opposite. A quirk of mine, I guess. Probably the years of being conditioned against the idea of dating, even though secretly I yearned for it. So that is how I am now. On the outside, I don't need a significant other; but on the inside, I wish I did. That is, of course, assuming I would be able to handle it, keep my end of the deal. Put 100% into a relationship while still maintaining my identity. I don't know if I could do that right now, and I'm not sure how I could learn other than by trial and error. With two failed relationships under my belt, I would prefer not to add considerably to that list. Waste of energy and heart, really. But I guess that is the point of learning. So, where does this leave me? Same as before these ruminations, I suppose, but with a better understanding of why. Maybe. I don't know. Late night ramblings are fraught with disorganization... so I may come back to this later. Can't let this end on such a depressing note, right? Yeah.

The semester from hell is over. Done. I survived it. With many a scratch and dent to my GPA, but actually not too bad. Of course I wish I had been more focused on my coursework, studied harder, been more of a hermit. And I may have been that in high school, but I understand that that is no longer me. I'm still working towards accepting it, but I do understand it. Now, without the restrictions of living at home with strict parents, I have more of a life now. I still need to work on balancing that, too, but would I want to go back to who I was back then? Probably not. And I can't, anyway. That is how life works. No do-overs. And that's okay. In the course of this semester, I have developed great friendships with a select few from my major that I've seen practically every day, struggling with the same courses and studying for the same material. People with whom I could relate and empathize, and vice versa. I think I felt this way somewhatly last spring as well, but to a much lesser degree. This year I've found great friends, people with whom I hope to keep in touch after we graduate. Which will be in less than a year now. Such a scary thought. No matter. I will deal with the next year when it arrives. For now, I will enjoy summer.

...I realize that I have not written since March, and that entry was laced with disappointment and despair. Luckily, I got through it, and through perseverance and support from friends and family, things have worked out. I will be interning at a finance firm downtown working on their quantitative analysis team. Granted it's not directly in my field of study, but it will still utilize skills that I have learned and developed from my classes. And the corporate world that I've observed when adventuring downtown, watching people that hurry to and fro with a purpose among the skyways... I will be one of them. Most people that I know have a distaste to it, preferring to save the world and break away from the potential monotony that the corporate world brings... but I don't mind. In fact, I may relish it. I just need to build my own defenses, shield my emotions and run with the machine. This internship will be for just three months, but who knows, if I excel at my work, they may want to hire me full time. The firm apparently intended that for their interns anyway, so we'll see. We'll just see.

A last point to update. Yoga. Oh, yoga. It has improved my mental and physical being, adding a new joy and something to look forward to. This song used to facilitate the final savasana of my practice, led by my favorite instructor and brings about such warm, comfortable feelings. Safe. The bliss that comes after an hour of flowing poses, or the intense fusion of the former and exercise. Before, I led a sedentary life for years after I stopped practicing taekwondo. And even then, I only practiced those two times a week that I went to class, mostly out of obligation as the rest of the family was doing it. So it wasn't really for me. But yoga, practicing yoga is for me and only me. Not for anyone's expectations except for me own. But while I have expectations coming into practice, I do not have attachments, as one instructor teaches. If I don't succeed in a series as I usually do, that's fine. It does not guide the rest of my practice. I started just at the beginning of April, but already I seem have to shed the weight that I've gained since starting college... and hopefully more by the end of summer :) That is a goal of mine, to become more physically fit. I know that it's a common one, and most times it falls through one reason or another. But as I'm already on my way, I feel it's doable :) What a summer it will be... internship, yoga, reading, movies, spending time with or talking to friends. Let it commence.